you can look anywhere in the world and see
couples. couples that hold hands in public,
couples that kiss in public. saying i love you,
all that gooey shit that we all associate today
with affection.
you can tell the snotty twelve year olds with their
first partners, chatting aimlessly about sex and
the divorcees pairing up over comforting and bitching,
sipping coffee at starbucks.
has it become normal, now, to show our affections
more for the public than for each other?
i remember a boyfriend/girlfriend situation
from my high school, snapping and crying at each other
until somebody looked and they would smile sweetly
and hold hands. i never could quite understand
what that was all about..
and it hit me today, somewhere between kneading
apple shampoo into my hair and shaving my legs
for this friday night's pub crawl,
somewhere between aragorn kissing the elf woman
and frodo sailing away from middle earth..
somewhere between "i'm gonna dance like nobody's
watchin" and "i'm gonna sing like no-one's listenin".
between federer and dent, it hit me.
the words "i love you", in today's soctiey - what
they really mean is: "i like you enough to show you
in public". what they really mean is: "i want to get
you into a position where without me, you're nothing".
"be my girlfriend." "be my slave." "be my victim."
it's all the same thing. and it dawned upon me
today that instead of waiting for these fate-sealing,
dramatic words of doom, i should be entirely happy with
what i have. what i have is simplicity. what i have is
real affection, without the pain of "i love you".
what i realised was, despite my neuroses, my hero is
willing to sit and watch a three hour film on a hard
sofa with his arm wrapped solidly around me. even
letting his lips find me part-way through gandalf's
epic war with the orcs at gondor. even letting me
stroke his leg. what we've been through is love
and we don't need to say it to believe it.
i've decided, for tonight, the optimist in me
isn't going to text back. the optimist in me
is going to grab him by the hips. the optimist
can run away with me to yarmouth tonight,
she can run away with my money and she can bring
me poison and she can spend the night with her
gorgeous best friend.
it's a black versus white war in my head.
the pessimist in me so badly would like to
glue my mobile phone to my clutching hands
and she would like to tap away until she
can make sure that he's gonna be there waiting
when i need him most. and the optimist
believes and knows that today is not the last day
of earth. that if i need him, he will be there
and i do not have to ask. let destiny be destiny,
she says. let love be love.
do not want all the time.
be happy. get your drinks.
be drunk. be happy. stumble home and
have it your own way for once in your miserable
existence instead of waiting on somebody else your
whole life.
and that's that.
i am free, i am able to do as i please, be who i
want to be and wear the damn Lemmy shirt and the
shorts with the tights and the black nails
because he lets me be who i am. and he will be
there in the morning. i have to stop worrying
about the future. tomorrow is a different day
entirely. tonight's the night.
"there's a lotta tomorrows."
and he's gonna stick around. so quit worrying.

somewhere between caister and great yarmouth.
somewhere between coconut body butter and black nail polish.
somewhere between whiskey or fosters..
home and sarah's.
it's gonna hit me. and i'm not letting it go for the world.

"tonight was the night we stopped being myth and became real."